The Story Of Jacob

It seems like just yesterday I was planning for my first baby. I was overjoyed. After so many miscarriages, God sent me a word. God told me that I would have a son and this son would be a mighty man of God, like Jacob in the Bible. Like Jacob, this son would wrestle with God and I would call him Jacob.

I didn't want to be disappointed. I so didn't want to trust God. I only told one other person about this word from God. Then I waited.

No sonogram would give up the secret of what this baby would be.....so I didn't know.

You were a true surprise.

You came a month early and there were complications. I was told I needed an emergency C-section. I have never been so scared in all my life. Part of me, didn't want to give birth to you because I wanted everything to be o.k. I wanted everything to stay the same, just as it was....with you beside me. But you wanted to get on with life, so you were born. When the doctor said, "It's a boy." The thought ran through my head...."I know."

There was never a discussion of what your name would be.

You are Jacob.

The nursing staff kept pushing me for a middle name. I didn't know they were rushing because they didn't expect you to live. I kept asking for you to be brought to me but no one would. No one would tell me why I couldn't hold you or feed you.

I remember the first time I saw you. You were so small and helpless. It was overwhelming.

When the doctor's decided to medivac you to Wilford Hall in San Antonio, I was calm. I was o.k. until we started running past other people in the hall and they looked at you with such sadness. Your lifeless body with tubes and wires going everywhere, a machine breathing for you.

God plans everything for a reason. This little word about you before you were born gave me peace and hope. I knew, that I knew, that I knew you would survive. I don't know why I trusted and believed. I had nothing else but God. As I watched you wrestle with God, I prayed that you would be changed to live a life for Christ.

My son, my dear sweet son, every year on your birthday I have told you the story "of you". This year, as you turn 18, will be the first year I will not be by your side. I will not have the honor of planning your party or beating your friends at air hockey....(hahahaha). This year, you need to get on with life and I have never been so scared. I have to let you go and trust God. Many other parents before me have faced this same situation. But you are my first. You know how I feel about you. But, just in case you forgot...I'll tell you again.

Jacob, you are a mighty man of God. You have such wisdom. I admire your strength and convictions. I love you with all my heart. I am so, so proud of you! You mean so much to me and your family. There is a huge hole in my heart because I don't get to see your face every day. But, there is such pleasure in knowing you are a Godly man. I know, that I know, that I know God holds you in the palm of His hand. He is by your side even though I can't walk with you. So, thank you son. Thank you for being part of my life. Thank you for being my son. Now, to your shock, a larger part of the world knows how much I love you.

There is a song that I have not been able to hear since you left in June. Today, I listened to it and cried. I cry because I miss you. I cry because I'm proud of you. I cry because I'm a silly mom.

Mom And Dad by Jason Upton

Mom and Dad take a look at me
On my bike riding both hands free
And I'm all right...It's a good night
Bigger now then I've ever been
Training wheels got no need for them
Mom I'm growing - Dad I've got to get going

We are not the same -Everyday
We are changing
Another season fades
But that's ok - cause we are changing- anyway

Mom and Dad look who's holdin' me
Someone I get to love and dream with
on cold nights through the hard times
Sending out to the great unknown
How to sit on their perfect home
Mom we won't fight - Dad the winds right

We are not the same -Everyday
We are changing
Another season fades
But that's ok - cause we are changing anyway

Mom and Dad the kids sure grow fast
the more they grow up the more I ask
What am I doing? I hope it doesn't ruin 'em
Ways are worth more then costly gems
I'm diggin' up my past to remember them
Mom I love you - Dad there's nobody like you

We are not the same -Every day
We are changing
Another season fades
But that's ok - cause we are changing anyway

Another generation comes along and says,
Mom and Dad take a look at me
On my bike riding both hands free
And I'm all right...It's a good night